Not even really sure why I thought of this, but my mind went to school this morning.
It's mostly the things that my family said that stuck with me regarding my weight, but there are other cases where I do remember quite vividly what was said and done.
When I was in grade school, I had this denim skirt that I just loved. It came to my knees, and while my Mom had a hard time getting into a dress, this skirt never had that problem. I loved it. One evening, my family had my sister's boyfriend and his family over for dinner and as the adult talks ran on into the dark of night, I got bored. I went to the garage where a ping pong table was, I played a few rounds by myself, I used to do a lot of things by myself. Anyway, once that got boring, I sat on the only item that could be sat upon, my mom and dad's riding lawn mower. I was lost in thought and didn't give much thought as to the time, until my Mom realized how late it was and started calling for me. I jumped off of the mower, as I had done several times before, not considering that this time I had a skirt on.. Needless to say, the lever that pulled the mowing deck up had caught on the very bottom of my skirt and not realizing it, I flew off that thing as I always had done before... It ripped my favorite skirt, about 2 inches up the back. My Mom, being the awesome and crafty person that she is, had taken some pretty lace, gathered it, and sewed it into the very bottom of my skirt, right were the gap now was, so that I could wear it to school again. A girl I will refer to as G told everybody my Mom had to fix it because I was too fat. Which was utterly redundant because it only went up 2 inches on the bottom. This G was a bully, probably severely insecure because she had thick glasses, acne at a young age, and she was my size at the time. So I get that insecure people pick on others, but it doesn't make it right.
And to this day I still can't forget that, even though it was over 25 years ago.
My Sophomore year of high school, an abrasive personality was giving my friends a hard time, now I am not a fighter, but when you mess with mine, whether it is friends, family, or pets, then I will stand up for them.. This was the case with J, who was messing with 2 friends of mine. She slammed a desk back at me when I interfered, I slammed it back and a boy that was a junior told her "Watch out J, she might sit on you."
I was mortified. If you've been reading my journal, you know that I didn't really feel fat, so when people said things it set me back because that wasn't how I felt. I felt normal. I felt average. I felt fine. It was a slap in the face to have this said to me and publicly. When class was over, I went to the library, where I worked all through high school, and cried through my lunch. My brother found out and before I knew it, there was a show down in the hall way and I was amazed at how many guys my brother had at his back who were ready to take down the idiot who said that. I will admit, it made me feel pretty special.
My Junior year I was in Drama, when the class had just a few minutes left, we were left to just chill, I was laying on my stomach, reading a book, and M made a comment about how she wouldn't be caught dead laying like that in public if she had an ass like mine. Needless to say, still, to this day, I don't lay like that around anybody.
My senior year prom came around. I graduated early and was technically done in January, but I did come back for my prom, I hadn't gone to any other dances throughout high school and I was not going to miss this one... They have what they call a giftatory, where seniors give a gift to other seniors to remember them by. Each senior gets a gift..
I got a little miniature clock that you would find in a doll house and publicly was told it was for my end table. Almost everybody laughed and I didn't know why. I later asked another J in my class what it meant and the coward couldn't tell me what it meant. I ended up having to ask my neighbor, who's Dad was a teacher, what it meant and it was because "my ass is so big it could be an end table."
I've had 2 men give me a hard time about my weight as an adult. Just 2. I met both online, was blunt and honest about my weight and my looks, shared pictures, one told me when we met in person "I didn't expect you to be so fat." And the other, after we'd known each other a long time and had been intimate told me he couldn't enjoy the sex because he'd never been with a woman that was so fat.
Looking back on all of these hurts, I wonder why people cannot be nicer, why they cannot have more tact, and empathy for others. I wonder if they are as miserable as adults as they were as children, I've seen pictures, they don't look like happy people. And I honestly am not sure if I forgive them or if I just feel sorry for them.
I do know that there is still hurt in my heart over these memories, so maybe I feel sorry for myself too.
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