Decisions, Decisions..

Well, I have been making good progress. I don't think I could do it without the Daily Burn Tracker, if you have an iphone, ipad, or ipod and are trying to lose weight, it is definitely worth looking into.

I have lost 20 lbs in less than a month. This has caused me to reconsider geting the surgery. At this point, I am continuing with the doctor's appointments, however if I am still making 20 lbs a month progress and if we are unable to get clearance from my insurance before mid December (which is not very likely anyway) I will take it as my sign that I should not get this surgery.

I mean really. I could lose 100 lbs by the end of December on my own. One hundred lbs down and being in a routine, makes another 100 lbs a not so unobtainable dream.

This would save me money, then I could have a bit of pride because I can say I did it without the surgery.. I'm a Leo, this sounds good to me. It also would mean that I wouldn't have to cut out my carbonated water. This sounds VERY good to me.

The main reason behind this sudden shift is the fact that the new birth control I started less than a month ago already gave me 5 full days without any sign of cycle. I am getting crazy cramps but 5 days.. It is a start. I will give this another 2 months, see if it will help the cycle issue, if it does, I really do not see the point in getting the surgery. Especially when I am losing weight pretty well on my own.

We shall see..

I will say that I have found a goodie that is on the verge of being something bad.. Ben and Jerry's now has greek frozen yogurt and it is FABULOUS. 1/4 of the pint is a serving and it is very hard to stop at that, but I slipped and had more than I should, which caused me to have to miss supper to stay within my 1200 calories, so I have learned to have it in the evening, after all other calories are has so that I may keep myself under better control.

I also discovered laughing cow's garlic and herb cheese. I do not care for swiss cheese unless it is on a rueben sandwich, however this is terribly delightful and only 35 calories.

So... I am enjoying my diet and still losing weight.

Not to sound like Martha Stewart, but this is a good thing.

Stepping forward and stepping back.

So I made a big step for my first weight in, I am down 8.5 lbs as of last Wednesday. I feel pretty darn good about it.

Unfortunately I started on the Micron that was prescribed and for over a week I had the kind of cramps that make you want to just curl up in bed with a heating pad, a half a bottle of midol, and a raw steak to suck on. I was exercising until last Wednesday, I haven't since because of cramps and a very heavy cycle. I didn't see the point in pushing myself, since when I did, I did less than .05 miles before my system decided to flush itself. I really didn't want to have to try to clean up that mess, so I haven't bothered since.

So that is my step back.

My step forward is being comfortable enough with my meals and snacks, that I am at 1200 or below every day. With what I burn at rest, I am still doing pretty good. so that is my little step forward.

My husband is noticing a difference already in my arms. I see it in my ankles.

My additional step back was my increase in carbonated water. Our air conditioning died on Saturday and we didn't get it fixed until last night. I was never meant to be a hot house lily and I went from 1 bottle of 4 servings a day to 3 for the last 3. I was sweating it out anyway and quite miserable to boot, I felt it was ok, even if it is a step back, at least it was a 0 calorie step back.

And that is my update. I am hoping to be done with this heavy round in the next few days, I have been 2 days without midol, so that is good. I am not very full of energy and I feel weak, but 2 iron a day is helping.

I have Thursday and Friday off, turning 35 and have plans to enjoy a day with my folks and husband and then Friday and possible Saturday with my husband. Hopefully I will feel up to a small road trip, otherwise it will be a quiet weekend. Never the less, I am really hoping that by Monday I will be back on the gazelle.

And yes.. I already have my day planned out for Thursday and I do get to have my cake and eat it too!

Nifty apps.

So, I found a Daily burn tracker that will help me keep track of the calories I've eaten and burned. It's extremely helpful as a free app, but slightly more convenient as a paid $4.99 app. I can scan foods in to search for nutritional facts with the paid version, but the database does not have EVERYTHING. We buy a lot of store brand items, so food city brand or walmart brand items are not always available.

Still, if you are trying to lose weight, I would strongly suggest this app.

I also found a neat sight that will help verify (I found this before I found the app) exactly how many calories you burn while working out. Those nifty little trackers on a bike or elliptical doesn't always take into consideration your actual weight and I hate to admit this, but I never gave it much thought before, but the more you weight, the more you burn. It takes a lot of energy to move this big ass of mine, while the tracker on the gazelle I am using may point out that I'm burning around 60 calories, I'm really burning more than twice that much.

Makes me feel better about the whole working out thing.

I've been on this very strict diet for four days now and I feel pretty good. I am learning as I go, for instance, I tend to switch up a bit here and there to make my meal more rounded. Instead of eating all of my raw veggies at lunch, I'm throwing in a chunk of meat with it and saving some of the veggies for my dinner. Today is the first day that I've had a real craving and it doesn't help that I have craps from hell, I would LOVE some chocolate, but I had a half a peach instead.

Last week I was doing a half a mile on the gazelle, but by the end of the week I was at a mile in 15 minutes. I took a break over the weekend because of the awful cramps, but I pushed myself to do more yesterday, sadly I was only at about a third of a mile. My body was rebelling and I got a late start, I just didn't have the energy.

Really, All I want to do is curl up with a heating pad and rest. My joints ache from the rain heading our way, I'm cold, and crampy, and my cycle is heavy these last few days. I WILL push myself to work out more this evening, even if it is just to get a half a mile out, it will happen.

Tomorrow I go to see my provider to get my first month logged on this weight loss adventure. I've been at it for a few months really, but now I am getting serious about it. I then get my new glasses.. Get to come home for about 2 hours, then it is off to the big city to get a psyche eval for this surgery.

I took the day off tomorrow, I'm trying to figure out how to handle my meals, I cannot eat for 4 hours prior to my visit, so I can also get blood work done, but then I won't be home for several hours during my lunch and dinner hours, so I am consider healthy eating choices for dining out. Salads options, perhaps a wrap? I love that most places have menus online, I just now have to figure out which would be my best choice out of my options.

Not thrilled with where my mind went this morning.

Not even really sure why I thought of this, but my mind went to school this morning.

It's mostly the things that my family said that stuck with me regarding my weight, but there are other cases where I do remember quite vividly what was said and done.

When I was in grade school, I had this denim skirt that I just loved. It came to my knees, and while my Mom had a hard time getting into a dress, this skirt never had that problem. I loved it. One evening, my family had my sister's boyfriend and his family over for dinner and as the adult talks ran on into the dark of night, I got bored. I went to the garage where a ping pong table was, I played a few rounds by myself, I used to do a lot of things by myself. Anyway, once that got boring, I sat on the only item that could be sat upon, my mom and dad's riding lawn mower. I was lost in thought and didn't give much thought as to the time, until my Mom realized how late it was and started calling for me. I jumped off of the mower, as I had done several times before, not considering that this time I had a skirt on.. Needless to say, the lever that pulled the mowing deck up had caught on the very bottom of my skirt and not realizing it, I flew off that thing as I always had done before... It ripped my favorite skirt, about 2 inches up the back. My Mom, being the awesome and crafty person that she is, had taken some pretty lace, gathered it, and sewed it into the very bottom of my skirt, right were the gap now was, so that I could wear it to school again. A girl I will refer to as G told everybody my Mom had to fix it because I was too fat. Which was utterly redundant because it only went up 2 inches on the bottom. This G was a bully, probably severely insecure because she had thick glasses, acne at a young age, and she was my size at the time. So I get that insecure people pick on others, but it doesn't make it right.

And to this day I still can't forget that, even though it was over 25 years ago.

My Sophomore year of high school, an abrasive personality was giving my friends a hard time, now I am not a fighter, but when you mess with mine, whether it is friends, family, or pets, then I will stand up for them.. This was the case with J, who was messing with 2 friends of mine. She slammed a desk back at me when I interfered, I slammed it back and a boy that was a junior told her "Watch out J, she might sit on you."

I was mortified. If you've been reading my journal, you know that I didn't really feel fat, so when people said things it set me back because that wasn't how I felt. I felt normal. I felt average. I felt fine. It was a slap in the face to have this said to me and publicly. When class was over, I went to the library, where I worked all through high school, and cried through my lunch. My brother found out and before I knew it, there was a show down in the hall way and I was amazed at how many guys my brother had at his back who were ready to take down the idiot who said that. I will admit, it made me feel pretty special.

My Junior year I was in Drama, when the class had just a few minutes left, we were left to just chill, I was laying on my stomach, reading a book, and M made a comment about how she wouldn't be caught dead laying like that in public if she had an ass like mine. Needless to say, still, to this day, I don't lay like that around anybody.

My senior year prom came around. I graduated early and was technically done in January, but I did come back for my prom, I hadn't gone to any other dances throughout high school and I was not going to miss this one... They have what they call a giftatory, where seniors give a gift to other seniors to remember them by. Each senior gets a gift..

I got a little miniature clock that you would find in a doll house and publicly was told it was for my end table. Almost everybody laughed and I didn't know why. I later asked another J in my class what it meant and the coward couldn't tell me what it meant. I ended up having to ask my neighbor, who's Dad was a teacher, what it meant and it was because "my ass is so big it could be an end table."

I've had 2 men give me a hard time about my weight as an adult. Just 2. I met both online, was blunt and honest about my weight and my looks, shared pictures, one told me when we met in person "I didn't expect you to be so fat." And the other, after we'd known each other a long time and had been intimate told me he couldn't enjoy the sex because he'd never been with a woman that was so fat.

Looking back on all of these hurts, I wonder why people cannot be nicer, why they cannot have more tact, and empathy for others. I wonder if they are as miserable as adults as they were as children, I've seen pictures, they don't look like happy people. And I honestly am not sure if I forgive them or if I just feel sorry for them.

I do know that there is still hurt in my heart over these memories, so maybe I feel sorry for myself too.

Making plans.

So.. I've been doing my research on all of the paper work that was sent home with me yesterday. After a discussion as to how next week's grocery list is going to be, we have come to a decision that we are both happy with.

I do not drink soda a whole lot. I LOVE soda, but I've come away from it while I was trying to get pregnant, I cut all caffeine cold turkey and once we stopped trying, I started letting myself have a bottle here or there every now and then. I make due with a cup of coffee in the morning (which I have not had in almost 2 weeks) and carbonated flavored water.

I'm slowly going to taper off my carbonated water intake this week. It's not going to be easy, the carbonation is my downfall. However I can have crystal light instead.

So.. We are getting a new filter system for our tap and packets of the crystal light.

This is a 1200 calorie a day diet and I think I can handle the changes. Instead of a cup of cereal, a decent sized lunch and supper, I now get breakfast, snack, lunch, snack, and supper.

I feel that I am alright with saving my first snack until the evening. So that is progress.

I can have 4 servings of starch, 2 fruits, 3-4 veggies, 2 milk, 9 oz of lean meat, and 1-2 servings of fats.

I shall use 2 starches in the morning with 1 serving of milk. Lunch will be 1 serving of fats and all four servings of veggies. Snack will be fruit. Supper will be meat, the other 2 servings of starch, and a serving of fats. Snack will be a serving of dairy and a serving of fruit.

The fruit is going to be the hard one. I just am not big on fruits. I like them from time to time, but this is something I am going to have to rotate with each snack, 4 oz of apple for one snack, 4 oz of peach for another, plums and banana the next day, etc, etc.

I get to enjoy raw veggies for lunch with a serving of low fat dressing, so I'm stoked about that.

It's positive. It is good. My husband is very supportive, instead of having soda for him for our 2 week stretch of groceries, he is also going on the crystal light kick. I feel rather bad about that, I don't feel it is really needed, especially if he drinks sodas I don't like, it is not like they taunt me, begging for me to come ravage them like chocolate or carbs do. But he wants to do this, both to show support and perhaps in hopes that it will help the budget. Instead of spending 12 bucks every 2 weeks on soda, we can just get the crystal light and both be healthier.

I asked him today what he would do when all is said and done. What would happen when he goes to hug me and I'm just skin and bones.. He said he'd lift me up, twirl me around the room, maybe even carry me over the thresh hold. The fat girl in me cringed at the idea, because I don't want to break his back.. But there's a skinny girl in me that smiled and got a little giddy at the idea.

Friday the 13th.

I finally had my consultation today.

We are aiming for surgery at the end of December, depending how how quickly after the first or second of the month that we can get pre approval from my insurance.

We are opting for the Biliary Pancreatic Diversion with Duodenal Switch or BPD DS.

I could get the gastric bypass, but I would only lose around 150 lbs, with the BPD DS, I should lose around 212.

I get my psyche eval on the 25th. I also am approved to attend the support group online, the usual meetings are an hour away and I don't usually have transportation after work. I'd have to take off extra time to attend them also, so I'm thrilled with getting the online approval.

I feel good. I posted the lyrics to Wide Awake, I treated myself to the cd today and I have so many songs on there that I was looking forward to having, enough that I couldn't see spending $.99 per son, so I just bought the whole thing.. Wide Awake was not the reason I bought the cd, so to have it speak to me so much, even after I've heard it a few times before, makes me feel slightly empowered, like I had to take this step for the song to really sink in.

I am not ready to talk about it yet. This blog is a small exception. The only people that know that I'm heading this way is my parents, my brother and his fiance (because my Mom slipped and told him before realizing that I didn't want people to know)of course my husband, my soul sister J and 2 colleagues, H and C. The support from everyone, so far, has been much appreciated and quite amazing. For all others, I am looking forward to shocking them. I have very few local friends, I have moved around so much and working from home since I've moved to this state, I haven't made a whole lot of local friends, and even them I do not get to see a whole lot, unfortunately..

I want to get this done, be all I can be and explore my new self before I present myself to the world, if that makes sense.

I will say that now that it is locked into motion, I feel empowered. I truly am Wide Awake, and if people thought I was a force of nature before... Just wait until I have the energy and lose all of this physical baggage. I will truly be a fierce force of nature then.

Wide Awake...

The great Katy Perry has an amazing song out that I liked, but when I got the cd today, I cannot seem to stop playing this song... It is really speaking to me and I think this is my anthem for facing this frightening challenge. Thank you Katy Perry.


I'm wide awake
Yeah, I was in the dark
I was falling hard
With an open heart
I'm wide awake
How did I read the stars so wrong

I'm wide awake
And now it's clear to me
That everything you see
Ain't always what it seems
I'm wide awake
Yeah, I was dreaming for so long

(Pre-Chorus)
I wish I knew then
What I know now
Wouldn't dive in
Wouldn't bow down
Gravity hurts
You made it so sweet
Till I woke up on
On the concrete

(Chorus)
Falling from cloud 9
Crashing from the high
I'm letting go tonight
(Yeah I'm) Falling from cloud 9

I'm wide awake
Not losing any sleep
Picked up every piece
And landed on my feet
I'm wide awake
Need nothing to complete myself - nooohooo

I'm wide awake
Yeah, I am born again


Outta the lion's den
I don't have to pretend
And it's too late
The story's over now, the end - yeah

(Pre-Chorus)
I wish I knew then
What I know now
Wouldn't dive in
Wouldn't bow down
Gravity hurts
You made it so sweet
Till I woke up on
On the concrete

(Chorus)
Falling from cloud 9
Crashing from the high
I'm letting go tonight
(Yeah I'm) Falling from cloud 9

Thunder rumbling
Castles crumbling
I am trying to hold on
God knows that I tried
Seeing the bright side
But I'm not blind anymore...'cause I'm... wide awake

(Chorus)
Falling from cloud 9
Crashing from the high
I'm letting go tonight
(Yeah I'm) Falling from cloud 9

(Oh now I'm) Falling from cloud 9
It was outta the blue, I'm
Crashing from the high
(Yeah) I'm letting go tonight
Letting go of illusion
(Now I'm) Falling from cloud 9

All in my mind...

It amazes me how a person can have one set idea of themselves and it can be so totally off from what they really appear.


My Mom likes to say "did they not look in the mirror this morning?" when discussing how someone looks and how bad she may think they look. But really, that person might just feel really good in that outfit or with their hair like that. Maybe it is their power lipstick or their new favorite color. Bottom line is it makes that person feel good so they think they look good.


I don't "Feel" fat. Or rather, I never did until I put on weight from the infertility stress, depression, and fertility failures. Now I feel fat. I feel it in my joints, in my clothes, in the way my ass is too big for a chair at the doctor's office, etc. That, in itself is a psychological thing. Like the heartbreak of not having kids has given me so much baggage that I feel it more than ever.


I used to feel good, I used to feel somewhat pretty. It wasn't always about power undies (face it ladies, we all have them, those pretty under clothes that make us feel empowered and sexy) or the blouse that complimented your curves.. I FELT fine. It might not be a FIIIIIINE.. but I felt fine.


So it always was a shock to see a picture of myself and realize just how fat I was/am.


The same goes for thin women. Women that suffer from eating disorders "Feel" like they are fat and they have to binge and purge or starve to become thinner. It's a scary thing that the mind plays on people. It's not just women, it is men too. They have to lift weights and feel the burn so they don't get that pudge that some of us women love so much. Or they have an extra set of love handles but they feel like they just had a role in Magic Mike.


My mother is a prime example. My Mom has always been healthy. I have never thought of her as fat, but she does. She was always solid, well muscled. This is a tiny woman who could swing a sledge hammer better than any man and not only break apart a side walk, but haul it away by herself too. My Momma is short, but she was a brick house. In my opinion, nothing could knock her down.


But she has always had this perception that she was fat. She's lost a lot of weight, because society and doctors say she has to be in a smaller weight zone, not taking into consideration her muscles. So she's lost all of this weight and she's like a skeleton when you hug her. Her shoulder bones cut into your arms and it is like hugging a little kid, there's so little to her. But in her mind, she needs to lose another 30 lbs.


It's a sickness. This perception one has to be better, thinner, stronger, etc. Yes, to an extent it may be healthier, but thin people in prime shape also die of heart attacks and what happens to them should they fall ill? There will be no fat to burn away which could give them that edge to stay healthy long enough to fight the sickness.


I sometimes joke that it is a good thing that I have so much fat, because when/if I get cancer (because it runs so rampantly in my family) I will have all of this extra meat and fat to keep me sustained while I go through treatment.


Truth is, I don't want to be a stick figure. I never did. To me, it is not attractive to see a woman's rib cage or muscles so cut that they look more like a man than a woman. A woman is supposed to have curves. I'm proud of having hips. I'm proud that my breasts are more than a handful and that I have a spankable ass.


I will say, that I am starting to realize how much my weight has held me back though..


But that will be another post.

Hard Facts

So, I know I just started writing about this, but I've known for a few weeks and I've had time to think and review where I am emotionally and mentally. I wasn't always fat. In fact I used to be a very tiny child, skin and bones, perfectly proportioned. I used to be very outgoing, from what I am told.. I remember a lot of my early years, as far back as my second birthday. Through to kindergarden, then my life was a bit hazy for awhile. And then I started gaining weight. I have an older sister who then started giving me a hard time. I was the fat and ugly one, nobody would want me. And I was ok with that. She was so pretty, EVERYBODY loved her.. (not really.) She was pretty, thin, and lets face it, easy, mean, and without much personality. Throughout the rest of my school years, I was compared to her, it was ok to me that I was the fat and ugly one, because I was also the nice one, the one people wanted to be around, the one that was smart and funny. I also was the clueless one. I refused to be aware of myself, my sexuality, I had no desire to explore that side of myself. I had a few crushes, but I didn't have those mad teenage "I LOVE HIM SO MUCH" fits and I certainly wasn't vying to give my virginity away until I was at the very least engaged. I was and still remain rather clueless when someone is trying to flirt with me and I generally don't get aware of it until someone else points it out.. Then I'm luck, "huh.... I guess so." It doesn't occur to me to think of myself as pretty. It doesn't occur to me to think of myself as visually attractive at all. Now I do rock my personality. Which is why, when I did start getting a little interested in men, I hid behind my computer screen and dated online. I wanted someone to like me for my mind, my heart, perhaps even my soul. The idea of having a man look at me and want me for my body scared the hell out of me. So.. I met someone, we did the long distance thing for awhile, I gave him my virginity, we got engaged, I moved out of state to be with him, and then he became abusive. Thankfully all before we actually tied the knot. I have no regrets about this. Because for all the bad he did, he made me remember those hazey memories. Even if they were a nightmare, I have learned so much about myself, I have faced my inner demons, I have changed what I could, accepted what I couldn't, and relatively speaking, while I am NOT ok with what happened to me as a child, I am ok with the person I've become. So while exploring bondage with my ex, even though I always knew I could not do anything anal, that the thought made me feel like a sick little girl who was afraid and ashamed, and I always told him that, he forced the issue. He forced himself into me and the next thing I knew, I was out of the handcuffs, away from the bed, in fetal position in the corner, sobbing because the sensation woke up memories. I blocked how I got out of the handcuffs, however they were the key to unlocking the real reason behind so many things in my life. Yes, I was molested, and while not everything is unlocked, I think I remember enough for me to cope with it, enough for me to understand myself better. I used to have dreams of this man, nightmares, I felt so betrayed that my parents would talk with him in my dreams, I was terrified of him seeing me. The dreams were always the same two dreams. I would hide behind the corner, my brother at my side, and all of a sudden he'd see me peeking behind the corner. I was stricken with fear, my brother and I ran, but for whatever reason I always trip, I always fall, and my brother always leaves me behind right before I wake up screaming. The other is when I don't wake up, and he's holding, what I conceive in my dream, to be a needle, and he's stroking the tip of the needle with a look of dark hunger in his eyes. He's staring at me, telling me to touch the needle, or he will touch me with it, and I know if I touch that needle, it will hurt. Once I have that thought, I am suddenly a balloon, and he's going to stab me with the needle, and I know I am going to explode and be no more. I had these nightmares all the time, from the time I was 5 and up to the age of 15. There were nights where I would wake from it, only to fall back into it. There were also nights where I would sit up in the hallway, where the light was on, and I would play cards, play with dolls, whatever it took to keep awake, because I was so terrified of falling back to sleep. Looking back on it all, having had 12 years to come to terms with these unlocked memories, the dreams made perfect sense. I was afraid of him, he wanted me to touch him, and I knew it was going to hurt too much. The part about my brother? He did leave me that day, I couldn't keep up, and the man caught me. It's taken me a few years since realizing all of that, to cope with it, the fact that he was my big brother and he was supposed to protect me, but he left me far behind. I have also come to the conclusion that I ate so that I would be undesirable. I never wanted anybody to look at me like he did when he hurt me, like he did when he would haunt my dreams. As an adult, I would get infuriated when a man would look at me that way, unless he already knew me, then I could tell myself he wasn't lusting after my body, he was lusting after my mind and heart, which is something that "he" never got to do. I realize that I fall to food for comfort. That I hid behind my weight. That even though I have pushed myself to explore my body in the ways that I was molested, and it has taken me years to not freak out, scream, and run, when that sort of thing is approached, I now can honestly say that I am no longer a victim, I have tried it, I have conquered it, I have explored with a patient and loving man, and we are over it. I never have to try it again, simply because I choose not to, because I don't care for it, and not because some fucking bastard threw a little girl into the gravel, spit against her cheek and breathed heavily in her ear as he pushed his fingers and then later tried to stick his penis into her. I no longer flip out when I feel heat against my face, because I have come to terms with how it felt when he held his huge man hand over my face so I wouldn't scream. And while I didn't enjoy sex with the "ex" that unlocked those memories, I later found a man who was patient, loving, and down right amazing in bed, enough so that I learned to love sex. In fact my husband always says how he'd like to thank him. =^) So I'm healed for the most part, I am A ok with feeling lust and desire. I enjoy sex and know who I am sexually and what I like. But I still hide behind my fat. Now I've only been married for 2.5 years. But with this surgery looming over me, I have wondered how I would feel as a thinner person. My first thought was "What will I hide behind and will I flip out if a man looks at me with lust in his eyes?" I'm confident in my answer. I am going to hide behind my husband. Which brings me to my next hard fact to face. For the past 12 years, I have felt that I didn't really want to lose weight, even with failed attempts and lack of options, while I would try, deep down, I didn't want to lose too much weight, because I wanted someone to love me for me and not the way I look. I have good genes, I don't think of myself as pretty, but I know, as I've been told so many times in my life "I'd be pretty if I just lost weight." And that idea scares the hell out of me, (and we understand why, if we read the above novel I just typed for any possible readers.) I always thought I'd lose weight after I got married, because if a man didn't want me while I was fat and ugly, he sure as hell wouldn't deserve me if I was thin and pretty. So... I'm married now, to a man who no only loves my body (He's afraid I'm going to lose my spankable ass) but he loves me the way I am, he puts up with me, he accepts me for all I am. He even puts up with the non stop menstrual cycle, I mean COME ON.. He's a good guy. We have our small issues, as all married couples do, but I know he loves me. For me. When he looks at me with a deep need in his eyes, I know it's for me, my heart, my mind, and my soul. So those two big issues being faced, I think I am ready...

The Epilogue..

Do you ever find yourself faced with choices that make you take a step back so you can evaluate where you've been, where you are going, and what you want out of life?

Maybe I'm stubborn, maybe I am just so accepting of what life hands me, that I don't dare to dream beyond basic needs, a job, ability to provide for myself, a family, a home, etc. So I have the job, I have the ability to provide, I have a mostly comfortable life, and a wonderful husband that loves me. But I have no children. And I cannot have them at this point due to my health. So where am I?

First I must warn you, this is all going to be a very frank look at my life, definitely a tmi, so if you are faint of heart TURN BACK NOW.... That being said, this blog entry is going to be like one of those movies where you see the frumpy heroine, curled up with her two dogs, while she contemplates the home made peanut butter ice cream that she made for friends, but stashed some extra for herself, because she won't just make it for the house because she doesn't need it, but it's there and she's wondering... Will this be my last chance?

She's got a lovely home, two beautiful dogs, a wonderful husband, she's a month away from her 35th birthday, and she's miserable.

The movie rewinds for 18 months: She's morbidly obese. She works from home, she has always had 2 jobs or 1 job with enough overtime to keep her busy, desk jobs that keep her stationary. She's been active, but her asthma and allergies keeps her inside most of the time, she doesn't have time, money, or even energy (any of those three, at some point or another, is always her excuse) to go to the gym. She's had a non stop menstrual cycle for over 2 years before a new doctor finally diagnosed her with polycystic ovaries syndrome. Fertility treatments took the fun and magic out of sex with her husband, drugs helped stop the cycle, but they were unsuccessful in giving her what she's always wanted.. Children.

She has mourned not having children for the past year, the depression packed on another 50 pounds and she is at her highest weight. Her knees are starting to rebel, her back hurts all the time, she is patting baby powder under her belly and behind her knees because she's sweating so much and between the chafing and the smell, she's hyper aware of hygiene. Nothing fits anymore, she's already in 5x clothes, and honestly, she's sick of only having sex in one position because it is the only position where her ass or stomach are not in the way. The bleeding starts back up in the beginning of December of 2011 and hadn't stopped until she got a d and c and a hysteroscopy done. For 1 week there is peace. And then the bleeding started heavier than ever. She's passed out, she takes iron, she keeps track of her low blood pressure, she would work 8-10 hours straight, with only taking breaks to let her 2 dogs out while she works from home, but she now is taking a 15 minute break when she feels faint, just to put her feet up and get her blood pressure stabilized. Final results of all the testing, is a form of endometriosis, one that cannot be treated with drugs. She has 2 options. Lose weight and see if this helps, or lose weight and get a hysterectomy.

And now we are in present day...

She's come to terms with not having kids, but their is a slightest bit of hope. She never considered a gastric bypass or any of those other bariatric surgeries before, but this could stop the bleeding, it could help regulate her borderline diabetes, it could help her PCOS, it could possibly allow her to get pregnant.... That's a lot of possibilities to face.

So.. She.. Being me.. Has an appointment for a consultation. I'm frank with myself, I know I'm fat. I also know why, that it is my own fault. That it would be better to lose weight, but at my weight, it's so hard to try to be more active. It doesn't matter how well I eat, how I deprive my husband of snacks, ice cream, desserts, because we do not need it in the house... It doesn't matter that soda no longer is a daily staple, but a now and then kind of treat.. It's very hard to lose weight. So where as I never wanted the surgery before, I want it now. But it's going to be a rocky road and not the good kind that I won't make or buy because I don't need it.

My name is Heather and I'm fat. It is my own fault. I know why I allowed myself to get this way. I should no longer hide behind my fat. There is light at the end of the tunnel and this daily menstruation will stop, but only if I lose the weight. So here I go.