All in my mind...

It amazes me how a person can have one set idea of themselves and it can be so totally off from what they really appear.


My Mom likes to say "did they not look in the mirror this morning?" when discussing how someone looks and how bad she may think they look. But really, that person might just feel really good in that outfit or with their hair like that. Maybe it is their power lipstick or their new favorite color. Bottom line is it makes that person feel good so they think they look good.


I don't "Feel" fat. Or rather, I never did until I put on weight from the infertility stress, depression, and fertility failures. Now I feel fat. I feel it in my joints, in my clothes, in the way my ass is too big for a chair at the doctor's office, etc. That, in itself is a psychological thing. Like the heartbreak of not having kids has given me so much baggage that I feel it more than ever.


I used to feel good, I used to feel somewhat pretty. It wasn't always about power undies (face it ladies, we all have them, those pretty under clothes that make us feel empowered and sexy) or the blouse that complimented your curves.. I FELT fine. It might not be a FIIIIIINE.. but I felt fine.


So it always was a shock to see a picture of myself and realize just how fat I was/am.


The same goes for thin women. Women that suffer from eating disorders "Feel" like they are fat and they have to binge and purge or starve to become thinner. It's a scary thing that the mind plays on people. It's not just women, it is men too. They have to lift weights and feel the burn so they don't get that pudge that some of us women love so much. Or they have an extra set of love handles but they feel like they just had a role in Magic Mike.


My mother is a prime example. My Mom has always been healthy. I have never thought of her as fat, but she does. She was always solid, well muscled. This is a tiny woman who could swing a sledge hammer better than any man and not only break apart a side walk, but haul it away by herself too. My Momma is short, but she was a brick house. In my opinion, nothing could knock her down.


But she has always had this perception that she was fat. She's lost a lot of weight, because society and doctors say she has to be in a smaller weight zone, not taking into consideration her muscles. So she's lost all of this weight and she's like a skeleton when you hug her. Her shoulder bones cut into your arms and it is like hugging a little kid, there's so little to her. But in her mind, she needs to lose another 30 lbs.


It's a sickness. This perception one has to be better, thinner, stronger, etc. Yes, to an extent it may be healthier, but thin people in prime shape also die of heart attacks and what happens to them should they fall ill? There will be no fat to burn away which could give them that edge to stay healthy long enough to fight the sickness.


I sometimes joke that it is a good thing that I have so much fat, because when/if I get cancer (because it runs so rampantly in my family) I will have all of this extra meat and fat to keep me sustained while I go through treatment.


Truth is, I don't want to be a stick figure. I never did. To me, it is not attractive to see a woman's rib cage or muscles so cut that they look more like a man than a woman. A woman is supposed to have curves. I'm proud of having hips. I'm proud that my breasts are more than a handful and that I have a spankable ass.


I will say, that I am starting to realize how much my weight has held me back though..


But that will be another post.