Do you ever find yourself faced with choices that make you take a step back so you can evaluate where you've been, where you are going, and what you want out of life?
Maybe I'm stubborn, maybe I am just so accepting of what life hands me, that I don't dare to dream beyond basic needs, a job, ability to provide for myself, a family, a home, etc. So I have the job, I have the ability to provide, I have a mostly comfortable life, and a wonderful husband that loves me. But I have no children. And I cannot have them at this point due to my health. So where am I?
First I must warn you, this is all going to be a very frank look at my life, definitely a tmi, so if you are faint of heart TURN BACK NOW.... That being said, this blog entry is going to be like one of those movies where you see the frumpy heroine, curled up with her two dogs, while she contemplates the home made peanut butter ice cream that she made for friends, but stashed some extra for herself, because she won't just make it for the house because she doesn't need it, but it's there and she's wondering... Will this be my last chance?
She's got a lovely home, two beautiful dogs, a wonderful husband, she's a month away from her 35th birthday, and she's miserable.
The movie rewinds for 18 months: She's morbidly obese. She works from home, she has always had 2 jobs or 1 job with enough overtime to keep her busy, desk jobs that keep her stationary. She's been active, but her asthma and allergies keeps her inside most of the time, she doesn't have time, money, or even energy (any of those three, at some point or another, is always her excuse) to go to the gym. She's had a non stop menstrual cycle for over 2 years before a new doctor finally diagnosed her with polycystic ovaries syndrome. Fertility treatments took the fun and magic out of sex with her husband, drugs helped stop the cycle, but they were unsuccessful in giving her what she's always wanted.. Children.
She has mourned not having children for the past year, the depression packed on another 50 pounds and she is at her highest weight. Her knees are starting to rebel, her back hurts all the time, she is patting baby powder under her belly and behind her knees because she's sweating so much and between the chafing and the smell, she's hyper aware of hygiene. Nothing fits anymore, she's already in 5x clothes, and honestly, she's sick of only having sex in one position because it is the only position where her ass or stomach are not in the way. The bleeding starts back up in the beginning of December of 2011 and hadn't stopped until she got a d and c and a hysteroscopy done. For 1 week there is peace. And then the bleeding started heavier than ever. She's passed out, she takes iron, she keeps track of her low blood pressure, she would work 8-10 hours straight, with only taking breaks to let her 2 dogs out while she works from home, but she now is taking a 15 minute break when she feels faint, just to put her feet up and get her blood pressure stabilized. Final results of all the testing, is a form of endometriosis, one that cannot be treated with drugs. She has 2 options. Lose weight and see if this helps, or lose weight and get a hysterectomy.
And now we are in present day...
She's come to terms with not having kids, but their is a slightest bit of hope. She never considered a gastric bypass or any of those other bariatric surgeries before, but this could stop the bleeding, it could help regulate her borderline diabetes, it could help her PCOS, it could possibly allow her to get pregnant.... That's a lot of possibilities to face.
So.. She.. Being me.. Has an appointment for a consultation. I'm frank with myself, I know I'm fat. I also know why, that it is my own fault. That it would be better to lose weight, but at my weight, it's so hard to try to be more active. It doesn't matter how well I eat, how I deprive my husband of snacks, ice cream, desserts, because we do not need it in the house... It doesn't matter that soda no longer is a daily staple, but a now and then kind of treat.. It's very hard to lose weight. So where as I never wanted the surgery before, I want it now. But it's going to be a rocky road and not the good kind that I won't make or buy because I don't need it.
My name is Heather and I'm fat. It is my own fault. I know why I allowed myself to get this way. I should no longer hide behind my fat. There is light at the end of the tunnel and this daily menstruation will stop, but only if I lose the weight. So here I go.
