Decisions, Decisions..

Well, I have been making good progress. I don't think I could do it without the Daily Burn Tracker, if you have an iphone, ipad, or ipod and are trying to lose weight, it is definitely worth looking into.

I have lost 20 lbs in less than a month. This has caused me to reconsider geting the surgery. At this point, I am continuing with the doctor's appointments, however if I am still making 20 lbs a month progress and if we are unable to get clearance from my insurance before mid December (which is not very likely anyway) I will take it as my sign that I should not get this surgery.

I mean really. I could lose 100 lbs by the end of December on my own. One hundred lbs down and being in a routine, makes another 100 lbs a not so unobtainable dream.

This would save me money, then I could have a bit of pride because I can say I did it without the surgery.. I'm a Leo, this sounds good to me. It also would mean that I wouldn't have to cut out my carbonated water. This sounds VERY good to me.

The main reason behind this sudden shift is the fact that the new birth control I started less than a month ago already gave me 5 full days without any sign of cycle. I am getting crazy cramps but 5 days.. It is a start. I will give this another 2 months, see if it will help the cycle issue, if it does, I really do not see the point in getting the surgery. Especially when I am losing weight pretty well on my own.

We shall see..

I will say that I have found a goodie that is on the verge of being something bad.. Ben and Jerry's now has greek frozen yogurt and it is FABULOUS. 1/4 of the pint is a serving and it is very hard to stop at that, but I slipped and had more than I should, which caused me to have to miss supper to stay within my 1200 calories, so I have learned to have it in the evening, after all other calories are has so that I may keep myself under better control.

I also discovered laughing cow's garlic and herb cheese. I do not care for swiss cheese unless it is on a rueben sandwich, however this is terribly delightful and only 35 calories.

So... I am enjoying my diet and still losing weight.

Not to sound like Martha Stewart, but this is a good thing.

Stepping forward and stepping back.

So I made a big step for my first weight in, I am down 8.5 lbs as of last Wednesday. I feel pretty darn good about it.

Unfortunately I started on the Micron that was prescribed and for over a week I had the kind of cramps that make you want to just curl up in bed with a heating pad, a half a bottle of midol, and a raw steak to suck on. I was exercising until last Wednesday, I haven't since because of cramps and a very heavy cycle. I didn't see the point in pushing myself, since when I did, I did less than .05 miles before my system decided to flush itself. I really didn't want to have to try to clean up that mess, so I haven't bothered since.

So that is my step back.

My step forward is being comfortable enough with my meals and snacks, that I am at 1200 or below every day. With what I burn at rest, I am still doing pretty good. so that is my little step forward.

My husband is noticing a difference already in my arms. I see it in my ankles.

My additional step back was my increase in carbonated water. Our air conditioning died on Saturday and we didn't get it fixed until last night. I was never meant to be a hot house lily and I went from 1 bottle of 4 servings a day to 3 for the last 3. I was sweating it out anyway and quite miserable to boot, I felt it was ok, even if it is a step back, at least it was a 0 calorie step back.

And that is my update. I am hoping to be done with this heavy round in the next few days, I have been 2 days without midol, so that is good. I am not very full of energy and I feel weak, but 2 iron a day is helping.

I have Thursday and Friday off, turning 35 and have plans to enjoy a day with my folks and husband and then Friday and possible Saturday with my husband. Hopefully I will feel up to a small road trip, otherwise it will be a quiet weekend. Never the less, I am really hoping that by Monday I will be back on the gazelle.

And yes.. I already have my day planned out for Thursday and I do get to have my cake and eat it too!

Nifty apps.

So, I found a Daily burn tracker that will help me keep track of the calories I've eaten and burned. It's extremely helpful as a free app, but slightly more convenient as a paid $4.99 app. I can scan foods in to search for nutritional facts with the paid version, but the database does not have EVERYTHING. We buy a lot of store brand items, so food city brand or walmart brand items are not always available.

Still, if you are trying to lose weight, I would strongly suggest this app.

I also found a neat sight that will help verify (I found this before I found the app) exactly how many calories you burn while working out. Those nifty little trackers on a bike or elliptical doesn't always take into consideration your actual weight and I hate to admit this, but I never gave it much thought before, but the more you weight, the more you burn. It takes a lot of energy to move this big ass of mine, while the tracker on the gazelle I am using may point out that I'm burning around 60 calories, I'm really burning more than twice that much.

Makes me feel better about the whole working out thing.

I've been on this very strict diet for four days now and I feel pretty good. I am learning as I go, for instance, I tend to switch up a bit here and there to make my meal more rounded. Instead of eating all of my raw veggies at lunch, I'm throwing in a chunk of meat with it and saving some of the veggies for my dinner. Today is the first day that I've had a real craving and it doesn't help that I have craps from hell, I would LOVE some chocolate, but I had a half a peach instead.

Last week I was doing a half a mile on the gazelle, but by the end of the week I was at a mile in 15 minutes. I took a break over the weekend because of the awful cramps, but I pushed myself to do more yesterday, sadly I was only at about a third of a mile. My body was rebelling and I got a late start, I just didn't have the energy.

Really, All I want to do is curl up with a heating pad and rest. My joints ache from the rain heading our way, I'm cold, and crampy, and my cycle is heavy these last few days. I WILL push myself to work out more this evening, even if it is just to get a half a mile out, it will happen.

Tomorrow I go to see my provider to get my first month logged on this weight loss adventure. I've been at it for a few months really, but now I am getting serious about it. I then get my new glasses.. Get to come home for about 2 hours, then it is off to the big city to get a psyche eval for this surgery.

I took the day off tomorrow, I'm trying to figure out how to handle my meals, I cannot eat for 4 hours prior to my visit, so I can also get blood work done, but then I won't be home for several hours during my lunch and dinner hours, so I am consider healthy eating choices for dining out. Salads options, perhaps a wrap? I love that most places have menus online, I just now have to figure out which would be my best choice out of my options.

Not thrilled with where my mind went this morning.

Not even really sure why I thought of this, but my mind went to school this morning.

It's mostly the things that my family said that stuck with me regarding my weight, but there are other cases where I do remember quite vividly what was said and done.

When I was in grade school, I had this denim skirt that I just loved. It came to my knees, and while my Mom had a hard time getting into a dress, this skirt never had that problem. I loved it. One evening, my family had my sister's boyfriend and his family over for dinner and as the adult talks ran on into the dark of night, I got bored. I went to the garage where a ping pong table was, I played a few rounds by myself, I used to do a lot of things by myself. Anyway, once that got boring, I sat on the only item that could be sat upon, my mom and dad's riding lawn mower. I was lost in thought and didn't give much thought as to the time, until my Mom realized how late it was and started calling for me. I jumped off of the mower, as I had done several times before, not considering that this time I had a skirt on.. Needless to say, the lever that pulled the mowing deck up had caught on the very bottom of my skirt and not realizing it, I flew off that thing as I always had done before... It ripped my favorite skirt, about 2 inches up the back. My Mom, being the awesome and crafty person that she is, had taken some pretty lace, gathered it, and sewed it into the very bottom of my skirt, right were the gap now was, so that I could wear it to school again. A girl I will refer to as G told everybody my Mom had to fix it because I was too fat. Which was utterly redundant because it only went up 2 inches on the bottom. This G was a bully, probably severely insecure because she had thick glasses, acne at a young age, and she was my size at the time. So I get that insecure people pick on others, but it doesn't make it right.

And to this day I still can't forget that, even though it was over 25 years ago.

My Sophomore year of high school, an abrasive personality was giving my friends a hard time, now I am not a fighter, but when you mess with mine, whether it is friends, family, or pets, then I will stand up for them.. This was the case with J, who was messing with 2 friends of mine. She slammed a desk back at me when I interfered, I slammed it back and a boy that was a junior told her "Watch out J, she might sit on you."

I was mortified. If you've been reading my journal, you know that I didn't really feel fat, so when people said things it set me back because that wasn't how I felt. I felt normal. I felt average. I felt fine. It was a slap in the face to have this said to me and publicly. When class was over, I went to the library, where I worked all through high school, and cried through my lunch. My brother found out and before I knew it, there was a show down in the hall way and I was amazed at how many guys my brother had at his back who were ready to take down the idiot who said that. I will admit, it made me feel pretty special.

My Junior year I was in Drama, when the class had just a few minutes left, we were left to just chill, I was laying on my stomach, reading a book, and M made a comment about how she wouldn't be caught dead laying like that in public if she had an ass like mine. Needless to say, still, to this day, I don't lay like that around anybody.

My senior year prom came around. I graduated early and was technically done in January, but I did come back for my prom, I hadn't gone to any other dances throughout high school and I was not going to miss this one... They have what they call a giftatory, where seniors give a gift to other seniors to remember them by. Each senior gets a gift..

I got a little miniature clock that you would find in a doll house and publicly was told it was for my end table. Almost everybody laughed and I didn't know why. I later asked another J in my class what it meant and the coward couldn't tell me what it meant. I ended up having to ask my neighbor, who's Dad was a teacher, what it meant and it was because "my ass is so big it could be an end table."

I've had 2 men give me a hard time about my weight as an adult. Just 2. I met both online, was blunt and honest about my weight and my looks, shared pictures, one told me when we met in person "I didn't expect you to be so fat." And the other, after we'd known each other a long time and had been intimate told me he couldn't enjoy the sex because he'd never been with a woman that was so fat.

Looking back on all of these hurts, I wonder why people cannot be nicer, why they cannot have more tact, and empathy for others. I wonder if they are as miserable as adults as they were as children, I've seen pictures, they don't look like happy people. And I honestly am not sure if I forgive them or if I just feel sorry for them.

I do know that there is still hurt in my heart over these memories, so maybe I feel sorry for myself too.

Making plans.

So.. I've been doing my research on all of the paper work that was sent home with me yesterday. After a discussion as to how next week's grocery list is going to be, we have come to a decision that we are both happy with.

I do not drink soda a whole lot. I LOVE soda, but I've come away from it while I was trying to get pregnant, I cut all caffeine cold turkey and once we stopped trying, I started letting myself have a bottle here or there every now and then. I make due with a cup of coffee in the morning (which I have not had in almost 2 weeks) and carbonated flavored water.

I'm slowly going to taper off my carbonated water intake this week. It's not going to be easy, the carbonation is my downfall. However I can have crystal light instead.

So.. We are getting a new filter system for our tap and packets of the crystal light.

This is a 1200 calorie a day diet and I think I can handle the changes. Instead of a cup of cereal, a decent sized lunch and supper, I now get breakfast, snack, lunch, snack, and supper.

I feel that I am alright with saving my first snack until the evening. So that is progress.

I can have 4 servings of starch, 2 fruits, 3-4 veggies, 2 milk, 9 oz of lean meat, and 1-2 servings of fats.

I shall use 2 starches in the morning with 1 serving of milk. Lunch will be 1 serving of fats and all four servings of veggies. Snack will be fruit. Supper will be meat, the other 2 servings of starch, and a serving of fats. Snack will be a serving of dairy and a serving of fruit.

The fruit is going to be the hard one. I just am not big on fruits. I like them from time to time, but this is something I am going to have to rotate with each snack, 4 oz of apple for one snack, 4 oz of peach for another, plums and banana the next day, etc, etc.

I get to enjoy raw veggies for lunch with a serving of low fat dressing, so I'm stoked about that.

It's positive. It is good. My husband is very supportive, instead of having soda for him for our 2 week stretch of groceries, he is also going on the crystal light kick. I feel rather bad about that, I don't feel it is really needed, especially if he drinks sodas I don't like, it is not like they taunt me, begging for me to come ravage them like chocolate or carbs do. But he wants to do this, both to show support and perhaps in hopes that it will help the budget. Instead of spending 12 bucks every 2 weeks on soda, we can just get the crystal light and both be healthier.

I asked him today what he would do when all is said and done. What would happen when he goes to hug me and I'm just skin and bones.. He said he'd lift me up, twirl me around the room, maybe even carry me over the thresh hold. The fat girl in me cringed at the idea, because I don't want to break his back.. But there's a skinny girl in me that smiled and got a little giddy at the idea.

Friday the 13th.

I finally had my consultation today.

We are aiming for surgery at the end of December, depending how how quickly after the first or second of the month that we can get pre approval from my insurance.

We are opting for the Biliary Pancreatic Diversion with Duodenal Switch or BPD DS.

I could get the gastric bypass, but I would only lose around 150 lbs, with the BPD DS, I should lose around 212.

I get my psyche eval on the 25th. I also am approved to attend the support group online, the usual meetings are an hour away and I don't usually have transportation after work. I'd have to take off extra time to attend them also, so I'm thrilled with getting the online approval.

I feel good. I posted the lyrics to Wide Awake, I treated myself to the cd today and I have so many songs on there that I was looking forward to having, enough that I couldn't see spending $.99 per son, so I just bought the whole thing.. Wide Awake was not the reason I bought the cd, so to have it speak to me so much, even after I've heard it a few times before, makes me feel slightly empowered, like I had to take this step for the song to really sink in.

I am not ready to talk about it yet. This blog is a small exception. The only people that know that I'm heading this way is my parents, my brother and his fiance (because my Mom slipped and told him before realizing that I didn't want people to know)of course my husband, my soul sister J and 2 colleagues, H and C. The support from everyone, so far, has been much appreciated and quite amazing. For all others, I am looking forward to shocking them. I have very few local friends, I have moved around so much and working from home since I've moved to this state, I haven't made a whole lot of local friends, and even them I do not get to see a whole lot, unfortunately..

I want to get this done, be all I can be and explore my new self before I present myself to the world, if that makes sense.

I will say that now that it is locked into motion, I feel empowered. I truly am Wide Awake, and if people thought I was a force of nature before... Just wait until I have the energy and lose all of this physical baggage. I will truly be a fierce force of nature then.

Wide Awake...

The great Katy Perry has an amazing song out that I liked, but when I got the cd today, I cannot seem to stop playing this song... It is really speaking to me and I think this is my anthem for facing this frightening challenge. Thank you Katy Perry.


I'm wide awake
Yeah, I was in the dark
I was falling hard
With an open heart
I'm wide awake
How did I read the stars so wrong

I'm wide awake
And now it's clear to me
That everything you see
Ain't always what it seems
I'm wide awake
Yeah, I was dreaming for so long

(Pre-Chorus)
I wish I knew then
What I know now
Wouldn't dive in
Wouldn't bow down
Gravity hurts
You made it so sweet
Till I woke up on
On the concrete

(Chorus)
Falling from cloud 9
Crashing from the high
I'm letting go tonight
(Yeah I'm) Falling from cloud 9

I'm wide awake
Not losing any sleep
Picked up every piece
And landed on my feet
I'm wide awake
Need nothing to complete myself - nooohooo

I'm wide awake
Yeah, I am born again


Outta the lion's den
I don't have to pretend
And it's too late
The story's over now, the end - yeah

(Pre-Chorus)
I wish I knew then
What I know now
Wouldn't dive in
Wouldn't bow down
Gravity hurts
You made it so sweet
Till I woke up on
On the concrete

(Chorus)
Falling from cloud 9
Crashing from the high
I'm letting go tonight
(Yeah I'm) Falling from cloud 9

Thunder rumbling
Castles crumbling
I am trying to hold on
God knows that I tried
Seeing the bright side
But I'm not blind anymore...'cause I'm... wide awake

(Chorus)
Falling from cloud 9
Crashing from the high
I'm letting go tonight
(Yeah I'm) Falling from cloud 9

(Oh now I'm) Falling from cloud 9
It was outta the blue, I'm
Crashing from the high
(Yeah) I'm letting go tonight
Letting go of illusion
(Now I'm) Falling from cloud 9